I have struggled for a couple of years with the issue of union.
I have combed the internet and the writings of the saints for answers, and I have to admit I have found some, but the greatest help for where I am right now has been from Dave, a reader here, simply because he is HERE. The saints lived in times and circumstances so very different from our own. They are like us, human beings with real problems and struggles, but their lives are not contemporary in a literal sense. And one cannot ask questions of them and get specific answers. Contemporary saints are unapproachable due to distance or knowledge of them and would never make that claim for themselves. They are just ordinary people whom we might never suspect, unless we knew them well. If we suspect, how do we make contact with them?
Also, and I risk the appearance of pride here, anyone who has experienced union who speaks with another who has not knows immediately that 1) they do not KNOW, and 2) they cannot help. I reached out to my reader because I knew he KNOWS, and by knowing, he inherently and automatically helps.
(I never shared my union experiences with my priest because I worked for him; he was my boss, a brand new boss, and a brand new priest for our parish. In the time since that was no longer true, he has been instrumental in my pursuit of "the Dream" which now, I believe, is crucified and dead, at least my interpretation and expectation of it is. I am in the process of wrapping it up and tenderly embalming and burying it, metaphorically speaking. I have not felt comfortable going to him while I have yet to work the issue out for myself, except in Confession, in which I am constantly asking for help to yield and rest. And I have not had the opportunity to share it with another priest, probably providentially.)
Blessed Mother Teresa's writings have helped me too (Come Be My Light) but I have to say that her darkness seems far more painful and reparatory than my own. I feel extremely uncomfortable likening my experiences in any way to hers, but I will say that, although he describes everything to the point of union exactly and specifically the way I experienced it, my union experiences are far more like hers than John of the Cross's. I think God used him to get me to union, and Mother Teresa to get me comfortable with the darkness and silence that are God (although admittedly I am still very awkward and uncomfortable in and with That). I would love to get my hands on a particular Tauler writing; he seems to totally get the dark silent God.
In any case, however, I have been deeply conflicted partly because I have never told anyone what I am going through for fear. How do you find people in similar circumstances without coming right out and saying you've experienced union? I know there are many, many people who have, but honestly, they are too humble to say so! I've been searching the internet for help, and have not found it. So many times, I have wished SOMEONE would write about their experiences in plain language. It is for this reason I am stepping out from under the protection of anonymity and silence, to post it all here for others who might be experiencing something similar.
So here it is, my continuing conversation with my reader, whom, not knowing, I love dearly.
On The Dark Side, Dave said, "When my dark night was over, I guess things were different but only by virtually imperceptible increments." This has been one of my problems in/with my "mid-life crisis." Should I be having a crisis of any sort in union? Nothing changed for me either! Well, that's untrue, but it was NOT the light-filled dawn that John of the Cross wrote about. Years later it is still dark and utterly, painfully silent. Not painful in the same way as the Night, but definitely not the tiptoeing through the tulips that John of the Cross seemed to describe and that I looked forward to.
This has been very difficult for me because all my light and consolation and warmth and feelings of communion and Love were during the betrothal. Then came this feeling of "If I don't have You I will die, please make me holy so I can have You," until I did "have" Him, at which point the silence and darkness of the Dark Night remained, but the sharp, desperate pains of separation were gone. What came after that was this gathering dread that (dare I say it?) union was the rest of my life in this silent darkness that is God. To me, union has been like trying to get comfortable in a severe hairshirt.
It really has (and I know some of you are recoiling in horror right now) in some ways, been awful. Yes, I said it. In some ways, union has been awful. But I know it's because of my Great Expectations and Interpretations, and lingering backwardness-habit of a sin orientation. I think the discomfort is like God invading the virgin heart with the largess of HIMSELF, if I can use such blunt terms (You girls will understand exactly what I mean.), which takes some getting used to.
I haven't dared tell anyone, because 1) how proud! to tell anyone you've experienced union 2) if it's not like John of the Cross described, it must not be union. I can't tell you the confusion I've been experiencing.
What I can confirm is freedom from passions, and the presence of God. He is there, but He is completely silent, completely dark. I will utter the truth: while I in no way want to go back to before union (there is the deepest, stillest peace at the seat of it) I have really, really not liked it. Isn't that blasphemous?! Yet even though I have "not liked" union, being thrown about by your passions and embroiled in those, interiorly or exteriorly, is infinitely worse. It might be a dark, silent peace, but it IS peace, at least it is if you remain in it.
To me, because there is nothing to feel, nothing to see, nothing to hear or sense in any way at all, no direct consolation from God (which He showered me with during betrothal), what is there to like? You still suffer, even worse because you know it comes directly from God, and there is no consolation to ease it at all. There is just this immovable, dark, silent, stillness. How can I distinguish between the two, peace and comfort, when they seem to be the same? They are not. For me there is no comfort, only stillness, when I remain in it.
Even more (and I hesitate for the way I KNOW this sounds) the stillness seems dead, even while you know without knowing how that it is alive; it is alive but utterly still and fixed. There is no communication from it. I remember trying to articulate this just after union, and all I could say is that it was like having a husband in a coma, or who has his head turned always away from you. It's him, the one you love and who loves you, and he's there somewhere, but he doesn't speak, doesn't touch you, doesn't acknowledge you in any tangible way. This makes prayer very difficult. Whatever direction I get seems to come through circumstances and people... well... really everything but Him directly. How is it for you, Dave? Maybe this changes the more you get used to it.
Ok, so union or not-union is issue #1. Issue #2 is this whole mid-life thing. Could I seriously, if I am "in" union with God, be so completely WRONG?! You helped me here too: "Since then, He has taught me to stop interpreting." Yes, that's been my whole life's story with God, I believe, Great Expectations and Interpretations. "Destiny for me has become the sum of the steps of the journey, letting Him gently course-correct me along the way." Yes, Caussade has helped me immensely with this. Part of my angst during this realization that God is killing my dream, the dream He gave me, is that my angst is caused by a resistance of His will to kill it after giving it to me. Those who are in union do not resist God's will. They are one with it.
Now we're back to the union or not-union issue. Ultimately, I can say I truly want whatever God wants for me and the Dream (since it is clearly not mine anymore), but I have not been happy about it. I do have hope that whatever the Dream is, it will somehow be what He promised, while at the same time being something I never could have imagined and what He had in mind from the foundation of the world. "His plans for us are at times so complex. He moves pieces of the game around at such distances that there’s no way to guess what He has in store for us at some future moment in time." Yes.
I found this in my readings from yesterday:
"But my way goes through death to self, through the crucifixion of everything you have received from your first birth. Everything must be transformed by being surrendered to me, so that you can receive it back from me. You had no choice in your first birth; I give you choice in your second. Everything surrendered and then accepted back from my hand is clearly gift and not your own. That is the meaning of my resurrection; I have shown you the way by giving my Spirit into my Father's hands, and then accepting it back on the morning of my resurrection."
Fifteen Mysteries in the Life of Christ, Richard Hobbs
Speaking to someone who can relate is helping me so much I dare not even try to say. "Let us pray for one another, that the Lord will carry us and that we will learn to carry one another – Pope Benedict at his installation Mass as Pope in 2005.
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Sonja, I have a couple of comments. Firstly, I have not experienced union, so I can have nothing to say about your Issue #2. But yes, keep reading Caussade, St. Francis de Sales, and all those other gentle ones - I'm sure that will continue to be of some help.
What did Jesus mean when He said, "Cast not your pearls before swine?" Sounds rather harsh to call our brothers and sisters swine. But, He said it - so, why should you think pride was the reason you didn't tell anyone about your experiences? Prudence, maybe? There is always some pride mixed in - the original sin. We're a mixed bag, which brings me to my next remark. Why do you feel it may be blasphemous to not "like" the union? You're Sonja - if you don't like it, you don't like it. Who is perfect? Jesus, His mother, John the Baptist - as far as I know, they were the sinless ones. Not Sonja. What is so awful about being honest with God? It seems to me that there's more of pride in that, than in not telling anyone about the union. (although I'm not saying it to criticize!)
Another very important thing - don't forget the trememdous value of suffering! A wise old man I know often has reminded me to pray that whatever it is would be redemptive for souls.
Like I said, I've not experienced union, so if any of this seems infantile to you, I beg your pardon. :) Poor girl - you're in my prayers.
Doesn't anybody else have a kind word for Sonja? (you must have other readers!)
Thank you Lisa! I have always been brutally honest with God, as we all must to progress. He knows, of course, that I don't have the warm, light-filled, fuzzy feelings that others have written about union, and that I don't "like" it; I've told Him so over and over, often in the most whining, infantile terms.
It seems blasphemous for two reasons: union is with God. If you don't "like" the union, can you really "like" the one with whom you are united? (It sounds so retarded.)
Also, the writings of the saints and greats (John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila, LaGrange, etc.) about it are so different than what I am experiencing, or at least they appear to be. They were the most prolific, so there's not much else to read on the subject that's very well-known. They all talk about how elevated and rare and holy and wonderful it is (hence my fear of pride in sharing). It's been difficult to find treatments by the saints on a dark, silent God. Because of my different experiences, I have been afraid to share them. I certainly do not presume to elevate what I am experiencing above what the saints say about it. Thus the conflict.
I have many followers, but they rarely comment. I have no idea why. It just makes yours more valuable and helpful. Thank you.
I have not been through union, but I know that nothing you give God is a waste. He always gives more than we do. Don't be afraid to give your dream to him.
I am one of your 52 followers. I read this blog every day. It is amazing. Just wanted to comment, since we never comment.
Isn't union before you die, or when you die?
Hey you, PTS –
…so humbled...I pray that my babbling and the silent and vocal encouragement of your other admirers here may help you through this.
You used the term “Job-like thing” in your initial post. Here’s another thing we have in common. 2009 was my “Job-year” Prior to that year, I had been starting to gain confidence in my “convalesce”, finally learning how truly to walk in the Lord, when, half-way through 2008, the you-know-what hit the fan. I think He wanted to see how my “new legs” were working, and He allowed me to be pelted by one issue after another – troubles with my 14 year old son, money, marriage, house falling apart (aren’t they always though?), almost losing my job, my health, cancer in the family…holy smokes…what a slog!!!
I wanted so badly to yell and scream “enough!” But, being a loving and vigilant Father, He gently reminded me in prayer when I was tempted to complain, “but I released you from your other burden.” And, of course, He was right (He is God after all). If I learned nothing by surviving my dark night, I learned to persevere. So…I slogged through this too…probably looking like a fool, striving to maintain a joyful demeanor through it all.
And now, I thank Him for that year, because issue by issue, He taught me to let go of all of these worldly things. “Utter abandonment” was His lesson. I was rewarded this year with moments of what I’ll call “communion” – the macho-man in me hesitates to use the word “union”. [And, thankfully, by His loving grace, these earthly things have been restored bit by bit]
“…thrown about by your passions and embroiled in those, interiorly or exteriorly, is infinitely worse. It might be a dark, silent peace, but it IS peace, at least it is if you remain in it.” Yes! Amen! Remain!
“For me there is no comfort, only stillness, when I remain in it.” It is ok to wrap yourself in a blanket of that stillness…maybe even a blanket of melancholy at times…but don’t let it own you. As you said, He IS there even though He’s quiet. It’s His Way. I, for one, know that I am too much of an idiot (another valuable lesson!) to begin to second-guess this Way of His…and I’m now ok with that too. Let it be.
“…the stillness seems dead, even while you know without knowing how that it is alive; it is alive but utterly still and fixed.” I think “time” by which He operates is not like our sense of time…what we perceive as “stillness” could be like a glacier scouring the earth below it. We can’t see it or hear it or even feel the movement…nevertheless…it scours away…imperceptibly.
“…and he's there somewhere, but he doesn't speak, doesn't touch you, doesn't acknowledge you in any tangible way…Whatever direction I get seems to come through circumstances and people... well... really everything but Him directly.” If you’re only getting His direction from circumstances and people, well then, revel in that for now; revel in His indirect love. I don’t know much, but I know you are good and faithful, and you’re doing His work. The stillness will pass sure as we’re sitting here across the miles. With all my heart I wish I could tell you when. All I know is that it will be when He’s ready and it will be Right, and, through the rocky crags, He will have carved a verdant and abundant valley.
Sorry for the long winded, crazy ramblings here…
Your loving fellow idiot,
Dave
My dear Sonja, I always keep you and your family in my prayers. You have inspired me so much in your love for the Lord and the scriptures. I never comment, because frankly you are so eloquent, that there is nothing that I can say that sounds "great." I do know that God works in mysterious ways and speaks to all in different ways. Some are clear, many others are difficult to decipher.
Perhaps the messages are clear when there is much journey left in the dark and winding road. And the dark, silent, stillness means that you have arrived, and just trust in Him. I think that waiting and just trusting is the hardest part, but probably the most important. It is then that we prove our obedience and loyalty to God, making us truly worthy to be in His kingdom.
Motivation in a way is easiest when we have someone constantly praising, and or correcting us. Confirming or reaffirming our path or choices, much like parenting is. But once left to our own instincts and ourselves to continue the journey, that is when we become anxious, nervous, not knowing if we can keep up with the expectations. These are very normal feelings. As parents we become silent when all is well, and only vocalize when something is apparently wrong. It is also a way to test if our kids have learned their way and can maintain it. Perhaps, in the same way, our Father tests us. Not because he wants us to fail, but out of the great love that he has for us, and the desire that we love Him freely. Despite the fact that we can't see or hear Him clearly.
Just remember that He continues to acknowledge you through the people you touch and inspire... They are the souls you gift to Him. What better and pleasing gift!
Sonja, Wherever you are, is exactly where you are supposed to be. Just chill, sister. We are all praying for you as you lead us. We love you!
Here's another reader who rarely comments. :)
I don't know what it's like to have union with God. I've had some fleeting moments I could call mystical, but that's all. He does as He wills.
So - I probably can't help you in that way. I can lend a bit of support, though, and so I wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your writing.
One little thought...sometimes I have to remember that life, if reduced down to the ONE single essential, like narrowing the beam of a flashlight to a single point of light - is what the French peasant told the Cure of Ars when the Cure asked what he said to Jesus at adoration:
"I say nothing to Him, I look at Him, and He looks at me."
You're looking at Him. He is looking at you. He turns away. You continue to stare. Stop.....
Who are looking at? You are looking at Him! Which Him? The "Him" who has risen, of course. He is looking at you. Which "you?" The "you" of now, of course. He waits.
This is the harshness of the Truth. But He waits. Oh so patiently He waits. And what does He wait for? The new "you." The "you" of the resurrection. We are not "there" yet, but we (all 52 of us, though I suspect there are many more) walk together... we who are the "us" of the resurrection. We hold hands. We cry. We hug. We work. We sweat. We make love to our spouses and our children. We hold them all. We wipe up their spills. We kiss them and let them spill more love on us as we wait on them and they wait on us. But all the while, we wait. All creation waits. He waits. And the whole waiting becomes a heavenly anticipation of what is to come, but what's not yet. And what's not yet?
Hmmm.
"Who" is there. He is "yet." But "we" are not yet. Oh, so patiently He waits. Like a bridegroom, I suppose. But I am not, nor ever was, a very good bridegroom. So, a Bridegroom, (I think). Like a Bridegroom He waits. And we come down... down... down... and when we breathe our last and have come down as much as we can possibly come down, then.... Oh, the "then"!!! When we come down, and when we say "Father, why have You forsaken me?" then... oh... we are just a few seconds away from Easter. So, dear sister, walk with me and the rest of your listeners. We are not yet at that Easter. I will pray that you make that Easter (but do not worry, you are making that Easter with all the talk you have of union)... we know you will make that Easter. Pray for me and for us... from across those miles you mention... that we all "make" that Easter. Pray that everyone in the whole wide world makes that Easter. On that Easter, who will we be like? Well, we read the Gospels and we know the Good News. So who will we be like? We'll be like Mary, the violated. The first one there. The courageous. The one who had nothing to lose. And what will most likely happen? We will mistake Him. We will be looking for a King and an Army. But Who will we find? We will find a gardener. A Gardener!!! The One Who will have pruned away all our dead thoughts and deeds and pasts. The One Who will see within us the Tree of Life. The One Who will say, "Hello Sonja, new Sonja, resurrected Sonja... welcome to My garden." And we will spend the first thousand years in eternity sobbing with tears of joy, while the Gardener makes His rounds and welcomes all His new life, saying as He so lovingly will say, 'Welcome to Union my faithful child.' Welcome to union, sister. Please feel free to describe it more, for you have done so... and oh so beautifully. Praise the Gardener for sister Sonja. Praise Him for all that He has put into her. Praise Him for the Union that He makes will all His children. Amen and Alleluia.
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